fruits on pam's porch, originally uploaded by abchao.

i'm caught in a weird place--with my hand still healing, i'm not really supposed to do anything where it could get infected. that means i can't work at a level even close to my full capacity (which is a lot. a coworker once told me i do the work of 2.5 others).

i've lost focus. work is a strange no man's land--the one place where i once had a perfectly clear sense of purpose and duty is now as confusing as the rest of my world. i don't really know what to do most of the time.

i have always done so much, and been expected to do so much, that it is really disconcerting not to be able to do that much. i've been ordered to stay out of the kitchen (which i am able to manage about 75% of the time), but i worry that the others look at me wondering why i'm not doing anything. working in a kitchen is about constantly doing something--a good cook will multitask, and multitask well, the entire day.

at a glance, my hand looks healed, so if you didn't know what's going on, you'd probably think i am just lazy.

the truth is, i am exhausted inside.

and tomorrow, i have a job in the city--one of those fancy jobs where i usually work extra hard to prove i'm worth what they're paying me. not sure how i'll fare, i told them i'm not supposed to do anything too strenuous or use my hand too much, so we'll see what job they give me, and how i deal with my inadequacies.

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o, originally uploaded by Doctor Swan.

i'm annoyed. and stressed out. i was worried that my wound might be infected yesterday--the doctor said to wait a day or two and see what happens. i woke up this morning to a pus factory. really wonderful.

i went back to the doctor, and he took a swab. we'll see what happens. i think i just really have to stay out of the kitchen. ugh. it's a lot harder than it sounds.

i'm stressed because i haven't been spending enough time working on the gift project, and i need to be done with it this weekend. i want it to be really cool, but so far, it's basically a dud.

tomorrow is the "interesting" dinner. i'd been dreading it, but now i am just curious about how it's going to go. the good thing is that we're going to cp, so at the very least i'll get to see a bunch of my friends. and i'm pretty sure that there will be chocolate sprinkles involved at some point.

hand update

i had a check up with my surgeon today--everything is healing swimmingly. in fact, i seemed to be more concerned about it all than he was (and i'm not that concerned). he told me to massage the scar to break up the scar tissue and when i asked him how often to do it, he said that he usually tells people to do it as much as they can without being obsessive-compulsive about it.

i might have a problem with that since i'm totally ocd.

so far, everyone i know is still safe in southern california, if you're wondering. my uncle and his wife were evacuated, and some family friends. and my aunt in malibu is on standby. yikes!

i remember the fires during my childhood, i remember ash everywhere--car windshields covered with it, the closest thing we had to snow. it was impossible to breathe, and we were lucky enough to live close to the ocean (and far from the fires). i remember being on cross-country and not being allowed to workout. it's strange what you remember.

i hope you and everyone you know are safe and sound.

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i went to the doctor today, and she's going to refer me to a hand surgeon. my wound isn't healing just right, and at this rate it's going to take a really, really long time to get to a point where i can use my hand again. that's a lot of one-handed showers. if i go to the surgeon, she can do some sort of fancy stitching to speed things up. i hope.

yikes!

my hand was really swollen when i took this photo.


i was strangely giddy all of friday, and free of pain. i managed to fall asleep, and woke up early, but feeling fine. a couple of friends are staying with me, and we walked up to the market to get something to eat and see annabelle (the friendly witch). i saw a friend with verbal diarrhea and made the mistake of starting a conversation--i started to get dizzy and told him i had to eat something right then. it took me a while to get something to eat and i gobbled it up, which was a bad move. i started to feel better, but then got so much worse. i had to walk home as quickly as i could and swallow a handful of advil.

my entire body was in shock. ugh. it was awful, and i wanted to lie down and die. i don't remember the last time i hurt so badly. plus, they gave me the tetanus shot in my right arm and the cut is on my left hand--there is no comfortable sleeping position.

i felt better after a while. and i felt good enough today to go to the slides. love the slides.